I heard we made out
Screwed.edu
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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