i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
