i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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