All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
