New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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