I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize