In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
