I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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