I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
