I could have mohawked her pubes.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
