I want to walk on stilts...naked
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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