I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
