The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize