There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
