You're so nebulous sometimes
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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