I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
