Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
handjob tips. give me some.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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