i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize