Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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