please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize