mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
