bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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