my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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