I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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