what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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