Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
