So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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