That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize