just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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