Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
40s are totally the cure
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
