Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
