my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
