Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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