Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
