I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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