i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
