So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
