sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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