Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
