his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
