I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I need to calm my uterus...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
