I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
