You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
