I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
