he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
