I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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