I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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