i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
