about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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