once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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