Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
