I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
