farters have to be the big spoon...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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