the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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