when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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