The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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