it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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